another "thing"

“Did you know that Mindy and Lisa are together because of me? Really. Yeah, really! You know how I broke up with Becky last, God, what… when was that? Well anyway, I was single again and I do not do well single. You know that, right? Everybody knows that. So I went to one of them online website dating services and signed up to find a new love of my life. Well… I guess I signed up wrong. I don’t know. I mean, my handle name was ‘handsomeprince69’, but whatever. So I signed up wrong and they had me down as a lesbian, you know “woman seeking woman”. Even though I’m not a woman, they found me one. Lisa, yeah. We emailed and chatted. She’s like ‘Chris, I don’t want you to judge me on my appearance so I think we should get to know each other first before we exchange pictures or anything as superficial as that’. I figured she’s a porker, but whatever ‘cause big girls need love, too, right? So finally we decided to meet for coffee. She said she was going to wear a gingham dress. I looked it up. You know, she really did look like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz that day. But, hotter. I went up to her and told her I was Chris. She freaked out and pulled mace out of her purse. Man, COPS is so real because that shit stung. I couldn’t figure it out. So I was talking to Mindy like the next day because she’s totally a lezzie, I mean lesbian. I said to her ‘I don’t get women because this girl I thought liked me, even said she liked me, sprayed me with mace.’ Mindy emailed her to figure it out and explain that I’m no crazy. Next thing I know, boom! She done stole my woman for herself. Ain’t that life for ya? But well, I’m happy for them. I heard they’re having a baby. Don’t know how they managed that, though.”